Don't make out with my wife yet
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
