We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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