i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
