ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
