plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
