I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
