Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Congratulations! We have a period
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