I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
