the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
im calling her cock vulture from now on
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
