Soap is not a condiment
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
