i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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