the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
