Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
