Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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