Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
