last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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