i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
