i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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