He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
