Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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