saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
