Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
