I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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