it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
