I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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