if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
