Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
His nipple licking is glorious
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