that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
