I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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