ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
