you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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