Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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