did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
