I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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