I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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