omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
