my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
