He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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