my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
