Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
