Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
