I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
