what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
