She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
