I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
