I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
