My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
