no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
