I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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