So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
