i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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