mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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